Problem 1: The hero’s name, Nicaea Black, rolls off my tongue, but it is far too close to Narcissa Black, a character from Harry Potter, for my comfort. I’m guessing I’d read a Harry Potter volume shortly before writing this story, which means the name was floating around my head. It is far too similar. I like the name Nicaea, but the last name needs to be changed. Something similar: one syllable and strong, but not Black.
Problem 2: The “bad guy” wins. I don’t like that Powell walked away with no comeuppance. Not sure what I was thinking when I ended the story that way.
Problem 3: Nicaea pretty much does nothing in this story, though ostensibly he’s the main character. If he’s meant to be the observer, I suppose that’s not terrible, but I’d prefer the protagonist to be a bit more active in the plot.
Problem 4: This has nothing to do with the story, but I feel the need to apologize for the Poison Ivy picture I used with it. It’s the only woman with a green face I could find; I really wanted something akin to the DVD cover for Avatar but with a green face. I failed in my search. Alas.
I do like the tone and I love Nicaea’s character, though. I may have to find a new plot and throw him into it.