Weeping Wednesday

Your terrible writing makes children cry.

Hi and welcome to a new semi-regular feature on Seeking the New Earth: Weeping Wednesday! I (or another contributor) will present a piece of prose from a book we’re reading that simply made us weep with how bad it was. We’ll present it just as it appears in the book — paragraph breaks, misspellings, everything. To protect the innocent, if it’s a small-press or self-published book, I won’t publish the author or novel. I bear no ill-will toward the author, even if his or her writing is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

In today’s story, soldiers from modern-day America have traveled back in time to ancient Troy. We’ll pick up the action there…

Tonto leaned over and asked what was up, Reynolds told him in English that they must be looked at as some sort of gods because of the rifle blast and he was unsure what to do about it. Reynolds pulled the mike away from his throat so only Tonto could hear him. Tonto snickered a bit and then said that it may be in their best interests to play along and not say anything to the contrary, it may be to their benefit. Reynolds nodded in agreement and then responded to the king stating that he and his men were sent by the god Zeus to help them fight the Spartans, he said the gods were pleased. With this news, the king had a look of relief cross his face and he walked forward welcoming the men for their assistance. He then turned to his soldiers and explained that these gods in the form of men were to get anything they wished.

So, yes. You read that right. All one paragraph. Horrible run-on sentences. Refusing to use dialogue.

If you want a challenge, rewrite it. If you want a real challenge, list every single thing wrong with it.

Either way, you’ll end up weeping.

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10 responses to “Weeping Wednesday

  1. Reading this makes me feel like I’m back in high school creative writing class, and this is the short story submission from that guy who is only in the class because he thinks it will be an easy A. Ugh. I’m not even going to try and rewrite that tripe. Well, okay, maybe I will, but not right now. Good find, Jon!

  2. kljfeioj alkd lioireiufhj;kglkhg *twitch twitch*

    Can’t….but….it’s so…. roirewoipgranhgi.

    That almost makes me feel better.

  3. Alright, so without any story context or really any understanding of the story at all (although I think I can make a lot of guesses, even from this terrible piece), here goes:

    Tonto leaned over, and Reynolds half turned his head in Tonto’s direction, not taking his eyes from the king. “What up?” Tonto asked softly.

    Pulling his mike away from his throat so that only Tonto could hear him, Reynolds sniggered, “After that rifle blast, we must look like some kind of gods to these people. Now I just need to figure out what to do about it.”

    Tonto chuckled as well. “Say play ‘long, not argue. Maybe good for them, too.”

    Reynolds nodded slightly. “We have come,” he said to the king, once again using his mike to add volume and weight to his voice, “as emissaries from the gods! We are sent by Zeus!”

    At this the king and his men all began speaking quickly to one another. In their eyes Reynolds saw both awe and confirmation of their beliefs.

    “We are here to fight the Spartans!” Reynolds continued. “The gods are pleased with you. We are their blessing.”

    The king’s face was awash with relief, and he toward them, welcoming them and thanking them for their assistance. He barked orders over his shoulder that these “gods in the form of men” should be given whatever they desired.

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