Read the previous part here.
Rootbeard lifted his cutlass, the sun reflecting off its shining length. “You are the only honorable pirate I ever met across the rejected seas. Authors reject honorless cheating pirates, not honorable ones like you.”
The Shopping Cart Pirate locked eyes with Rootbeard. “Maybe because I wasn’t a pirate when I was rejected.” He grinned, heaved a deep breath, and shouted, “Now!”
“With pleasure!” shouted a soprano, breathy voice.
A sudden wind tugged at Rootbeard’s frothy beard. His eyes shot open. “No!” he shouted. He turned.
Ten paces away stood the Blond Buccaneer: Her feet apart in a strong stance, her tan breeches and white shirt open a little too far down for decency, a broad smile on her face, and a single brown glass bottle in her hands. It sat uncapped.
It longed to be filled with a frothy beverage.
Rootbeard snarled. “How did you know?”
“Like, come on. Why else would a character named Rootbeard attack a bottling town?” Blondie chuckled. “You were trying to eliminate your greatest weakness. You’re not a rejected pirate. You’re a rejected soft drink mascot. And that’s just sad.”
The Shopping Cart Pirate coughed blood onto the ground. “And now you’re about to be bottled like the suds you are.”
Rootbeard turned, enraged. He lifted his cutlass again and struck down as hard as he could.
A form tackled him.
Marina Talon, last remaining mayor’s lieutenant of Melville, pinned Rootbeard to the ground. “Your men have been defeated. You’re conquered. Pretend to have some honor.”
“Madame, I am indebted.” The Shopping Cart Pirate coughed again, his head hanging near the ground.
The Blond Buccaneer rushed close, slamming the mouth of the bottle against Rootbeard’s forehead. His form collapsed and sucked into the brown glass, until the only thing remaining was a sickly sweet scent in the air.
She slipped a cork into the glass. “That should keep him until you get something more permanent.” She tossed the bottle to Marina and strode to her companion. “You can stop faking it now. I know it’s not that bad.”
And with that, the Shopping Cart Pirate, the hero who had saved Melville, the slayer of subways…
This is a Barrelbottom Tale.