The Enlightenment of Wasteful Armed Robert

“Big King Violent Llama, I have served you well for many years! Please, forgive my one transgression!”

Men in dark suits and sunglasses stood at the doors to the ramshackle warehouse, at the ready with their shotgun-based martial arts if the need should arise. One kimonoed body lay on the wood plank floor, a mass of blood where the head once was. A man in the suit knelt next to the form, pleading with his master for mercy.

Big King Violent Llama was not known for his mercy. He considered the bloody hooves at the end of his forelegs. “Tell me, Wasteful Armed Robert, why should I ever show weakness such as that?”

Robert stammered. “Because it would lower you to kill one such as I!”

“It lowers a samurai to swat a mosquito, but not one such as me.” Big King Violent Llama’s face stretched into a gruesome smile. He paced forward on four hooves, his tail swishing behind him, his ears twitching at buzzing flies. “Now, I wish to lap up your blood. If you truly wish to survive… Do you see this wooden bowl? I shall slice off your hand. Fill the bowl with your own blood, without spilling a drop, and I shall allow you to live. Do you understand, Wasteful Armed Robert?”

The man in the suit gulped. “You are wise, master.”

“Hold out your hand where I may sever it with my bare hoof.”

Outside lightning flashed. The sentries at the doors shifted their weight, glancing around for any glimmer of disturbance.

Robert stretched out a trembling hand.

Big King Violent Llama raised up a dripping hoof, the smile still stretched across his muzzle.

Robert looked away as he set his hand on the ground, fingers splayed wide. His knuckles rattled on the floor.

Lightning flashed again. A guard pointed. “Velociraptor Ninja!”

The dark form flipped from the ceiling rafters, landing heavily between Big King Violent Llama and his disgraced enforcer. It hissed through its black mask. One of its toe claws clicked against the wooden planking. “What is stronger, hated foe: bloody hooves or bloody claws?” Its head tilted sideways.

“Guards!” commanded Big King Violent Llama.

The dark-clad dinosaur hooked a foot claw through the back end of Wasteful Armed Robert’s pants and flipped backwards, trailing him after. The guards unslung their honed shotguns, aiming double-barreled messengers of death toward the ninja’s arc. Shot exploded all around, but Velociraptor Ninja spun through the perilous airborne labyrinth, dragging its precious cargo with him.

“Don’t let it take Wasteful Armed Robert alive! He knows too much!” Big King Violent Llama did not scream the orders; he spoke in a staccato voice that brooked no argument.

As Velociraptor Ninja kickflipped through the top of its arc, he flung Robert into one of the guards. As the men collided, a wet thunk resounded and both fell to the ground in an unmoving heap. The dinosaur warrior landed on both feet, letting its left large claw tap twice on the ground before it sprung into a sprint toward the front door.

The guards let loose the second barrels of their deadly salvo.

The dark foe kicked out and scaled a wooden brace holding up the distant ceiling. It stepped up one, two, three paces, and then spun into a powerful kick. The brace splintered. The roof groaned as the support shattered.

Lightning flashed as it landed on the ground, legs ready for another sprint, forearms raised in the Sacred Pigeon defensive stance. Slitted eyes gazed at Big King Violent Llama’s outraged face. Between them chunks of roof fell. The wooden floor groaned and shook. Guards called to each other over the chaos.

Velociraptor Ninja dashed to the Robert-guard pile. It plucked up Robert and vanished into the shadows.

Big King Violent Llama turned and paced away. His guards soon vanished as well, leaving one headless body and an empty wooden bowl.

Big King Violent Llama planned to fill a bowl with Velociraptor’s blood, though.

This is a Barrelbottom Tale


3 responses to “The Enlightenment of Wasteful Armed Robert

  1. There’s one spot that seems abrupt to me. One second velociraptor ninja is staring Big King Violent Llama in the face, the next he’s running after Robert and rescuing him. Perhaps you meant it this sudden? Otherwise great story! I love the grittiness of it. A way darker feel than I’m used to!

  2. Pingback: Barrelbottom Tales | Seeking the New Earth

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