Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book (Jon’s Version)

Or: I am not Shel Shilverstein.

Children now, gather round,
Come over and give heed:
It’s fun to play with scissors,
It’s not so fun to bleed.

A screwdriver may seem safe
Until it finds your eye.
But your father warned you, kid,
And now you’re gonna cry.

A hammer you can slam
And with it you may smash.
Don’t aim it at a window;
The curtains glass will slash.

“I can do it!” you scream
Through tears and cheers and pain,
“I finally really did it!
I drove my mom insane!”

But be careful, now, my child
To my warning now take heed:
An insane mother seems so nice
Until she makes you clean.

“Your hammers go in this pile!
Your screwdrivers in this!
Your scissors go in the ceiling,
Nowhere near your sis!

“With the hammer smash the dishes,
With your scissors slash the drapes.
Use your screwdriver to poke
Some holes in every little grape.”

And now your mom’s insane
And you’ve got lots to do.
Hope you’re happy with your project
And hope that soon you’re through.

This story shouldn’t have been written… but I wrote it anyway. 


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