OK. Maybe I didn’t make the smartest choice. Maybe.
Don’t give me that look. Hey, just because my girl – all right, ex-girl – why you gotta go correcting my stories all the time? You and me, we’re not dating. You don’t get that right. And no, you’re not my type, so don’t get any ideas.
Anyway, yeah, she dumped me. Freaked out, right at the corner of Sixth and Beecher. Said I was a jerk and a bunch of other stuff. She’s hormonal, all right? She didn’t know what she was saying. She always gets that way. Anyway, doesn’t matter. She dumped me, we got angry, said some things, burned bridges, all that. And then she drove off, leaving me right there on the corner. I guess when she dumps a guy, she just does it.
So I went to that diner – you know the one there, Marcie’s? Yeah. Got the French toast. What do you mean, that’s the worst thing there? Geez. You must not know my Marcie’s. Anyway, I got to feeling sorry for myself. After all, my girl’s like none other. She’s amazing. And even though she’s crazy, even though she dumped me, I love her like nothing else. I mean that, all right? But then I realized I was only a block from a Nexus. And I thought, what the hell? If my girl doesn’t love me here, she must love me somewhere in the multiverse. So I headed on over.
No, this is not your opportunity to say, “I told you so,” all right? Oh, don’t give me that look.
So I pay the fee and look out across the worldstree, just backing up a few twigs, and there it is: she loves me. My girl loves me there. Worldsbranch prime, subtwig 00-34-62. Not far away at all. So really, when I got that idea –
Yeah. That idea. The one that wasn’t the smartest choice. All right, all right, you’ve made your point. Can I just tell my story now?
I made the jump across the White Space over to the twig just a few down from ours and found myself.
And yeah. Something happened to him. The other me, the one from that twig. I’m not saying I know what happened, and I’m not saying I don’t. But suddenly he wasn’t around to comfort his girl, and look, she’d never know there was any problems. I could be there, step right in, and she’d never have to feel bad or anything. Me and my girl, together again. My girl. But really, can you blame me? I just wanted my old life back, and this would give it to me. No one’s hurt.
Well, maybe there’s a missing person, but I don’t know anything about that.
No, I got nothing more to say.
So I stepped into his life. And things were great. I mean, there I was with Mathilda – yeah, she spelled it different there, or here, or whatever, but otherwise, it was her. Just the same one who dumped me, except she never dumped me. Same dimples when she smiled. Same terrible cooking. Seriously, don’t ask her to bake you a cake or anything, all right? Yeah, it was perfect. And I learned! I didn’t mess up like back on my home twig. Me and my girl, happy again. Together. And when we lay together at night, my arms wrapped around her, her doing that little snore. Man. Even if it wasn’t my home world, it was the right world. This was where I belonged.
It didn’t matter that she wasn’t my girl. Because she was. She really was.
You know what’s funny about the worldstree? If you’ve had an idea in one world, you’ve probably had it more than once. And if something’s happened to you in one world, it’s happened more than once.
So, yeah. Some other me tried taking my girl. He shot me! Look, you need to go pick up the guy. He should be easy to find. He’s the one sleeping with my girl.
OK, his girl. Kind of.
Look, it doesn’t matter. That’s my statement, all right? He looks just like me, same DNA, he’s just a worse shot.
So that’s my statement. Go get the guy so I can get my girl back!